Instability to IN stability.

If I keep going at this rate, I'm bound to lose those who are most important to me.

There's nothing worse than living stagnantly and numbing out everyone and everything. It can't even be described as painful, it's lifeless. The only thing painful about it is knowing that it's true, even though you know that there's a bigger truth out there but there's just so much fog that you can't see the path clearly. The path to Him. Constantly praying for guidance, an escape from all these mortifying thoughts or for the scars to just miraculously fade, you forget to even breathe. You drown in the flames of your own hell. The only time you feel the ability to cry is only when you begin to panic. You begin hyperventilating. Then you start to black out, and find yourself crashing down to the floor. Then you start screaming. Then only God knows what happens next. After the climax of that breakdown, you find the strength to get on your knees, and you finally begin to cry. For what? For God. For His forgiveness. His Grace, His Mercy, His Unconditional Love.

It's ugly isn't it? I'm sick of this cycle. I don't want to be a prisoner of the world - a slave to sin. I don't want to give in to depression and confliction. I don't want a relationship based off of "feelings" but a life of fulfilled promises by God that are achieved through faith, patience, and persistence. I don't want these horrible thoughts of constantly feeling inbetween life and death. I feel so unstable, mentally, physically, emotionally, financially, and most of all - spiritually... I need a firm foundation. I need consistency. I need everlasting faith. More than anything, I need God. I want God. Jesus, please change my heart.

"Come be the fire inside of me,
Come be the flame upon my heart.
Come be the fire inside of me,
Until you and I are one."

(This is Jockii's hand, not mine. But that's my knee, haha.)

Life is a Gift.

I'm going to stop abusing it and start appreciating it. Unconditionally.

Triumphant Return/Escape from tumblr!

Hello Blogspot!

So I've decided to restart my relationship with you. I'm just so over tumblr it's ridiculous. There's never anything meaningful on there anymore and I feel that it's just not the blogging site I once started with when I joined about a year and a half ago... Now everything became so immature and impersonal. And so here I am :)

With this blog I hope to focus primarily on my relationship with God and find ways to express my devotion, my ranting, my struggles - truly my everything... Writing has always been a useful outlet for me and so this is where I hope to seek growth in becoming the woman of God that He has called me out to be.

So... It is currently Monday morning, 1:19AM to be exact. I just came home from Barnes & Noble with a couple of church friends even though I missed The Pointe today. I still had a good time fellowshipping with everyone, especially with Nick and Jockii in the car. After an emotionally stressful weekend, I really think it was exactly what I needed. I can really sense that some wonderful things are to be accomplished within our worship community, I just feel that there's going to be a turning point for the better. Our group is like a fruit salad; filled with so much variety, different shapes, sizes, backgrounds, and personalities yet we are all united for one purpose - we are a Body of Christ and that is really what holds us together as a union.

I don't know, words can't explain how much I love the Albao Worship Community. Even though I've only been in this community for two months (it feels so much longer!) and 75% of the group I've only been acquainted with, I'm just seriously so hungry for learning so much more about every person I encounter. It's probably not always going to be easy and there will be differences coming upon the group, but I know that's what will truly strengthen us as a whole. We are a family, and we help build each other up because we all strive for the same goal - to glorify the Kingdom of God... and I'm just so stoked. It's only been two months and it's already been so life changing. I can't wait to see what God has in store for all 4723852389056 of us, hahaha.

I think I'm nocturnal tonight. I'm going to work on making my page look all pretty and probably listen to some worship music so I can get ahead of my game in being a part of the worship team for our group, haha, me singing... OH NOOO!!! HAHA Oh yes! I love singing. I'm such a weird blogger... yeah I'm weird in general. I think I'm done for now, worship music here I come! Haha! Happy Monday to the rest of the hemisphere!

BTW, I like pictures. Most likely I'll have a picture of something random if not myself at the end of each post. Why? Because I can!