How to Fight for Joy

So a few posts ago, I said how I'm kinda going through a crappy season. I went to Barnes & Noble last night and started to read When I Don't Desire God: How to Fight for Joy by John Piper. I currently own When the Darkness Will Not Lift: Doing What We Can While We Wait for God - and Joy by John Piper in which the book began as the final chapter for WIDDG. Reading just the intro and first chapter of WIDDG really made me do a self-examination upon myself and realized that I'm guilty of the "Christian Hedonism" as Piper mentions. What this means, is that through our blossoming seasons in life is when we give most glory to God, and through our withering seasons, we do the opposite. We tend to shun God out and become so prideful as to look only upon ourselves and let the negativity of our lives liberate us.

"Only God can make the depraved heart desire God" - John Piper

It's so true. God is the only one capable of changing our hearts, yet we have to first seek Him in order for that to happen.

I can tell you, being broke, moving to a new house, having constant body aches/health issues from an unknown cause (I feel it right now :/), being in the midst of family quarrels, and trying to find legitimate sources to possibly pay off a $100,000 tuition for art school while being the only believer in my family (and extended family) - ALL IN THE HOLIDAY SEASON :( ... is not easy. No matter what the circumstance may be, no trial is ever easy or else it isn't really considered a trial.

"Faith in God includes faith in His timing." - Neal A. Maxwell

To tie it all together, it all concludes to being patient for God and submitting to Him at all circumstances. I always quote JAMES 1:2-4, but that's because I know it needs to be heard; SO I'LL DO ROMANS INSTEAD!:

"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us"

- ROMANS 5:3-5

If you know you love God and you're going through a hard time, glorify Him in all you do. Even if you don't 'feel' like it, CRUCIFY YOUR EMOTIONS. It's either you KNOW God or NO God. And if you truly KNOW God, you should also know to not place your own selfish flesh and blood above Christ's blood - the LOVE that was spilt for YOU. Without trial and suffering in this world, in what ways can we learn to trust God? We live in God's perfect world, but it is US who are imperfect and corrupted. We must FIGHT for JOY - we must fight for what God has to offer us in our lifetimes - and even beyond that.

No matter what you're going through. Surrender wholeheartedly to Him and be patient...

"He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.
He determines the number of the stars
and calls them each by name.
Great is our Lord and mighty in power;
his understanding has no limit."

- PSALM 147:3-5

God knows exactly when the right timing is because HE'S THAT HUUUGEE! HE KNOWS HOW MANY STARS THERE ARE! That's freakin' ginormous. And to add onto that;

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

- ROMANS 8:28

In other words, Hillsong United said it well, "You make all things work together for our good." To conclude - I guess you can say that through all the crap in a sack that I carry on my back, I know I'm not alone because God is and always will continue to support me as long as I keep the faith in Him. No matter how much scripture I quote, it's all the same resolution; View your burdens as blessings, because in the long run, that is exactly what they will be.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight."

- PROVERBS 3:5-6

long post about blogs and psycho dreams

A quote I photographed on a random SUV before eating pho♥ Double blessed!

I don't know why I haven't written in here for so long. I guess I started reverting back to tumblr, and at the same time I haven't been as much as an internet junkie as I used to be ever since my computer was moved out of my room. I also noticed that lately, majority of my tumblr posts (fatprincesshope.tumblr.com) have been more Christ-centered and more serious about my faith. I remember I started this blogspot thinking that this would be more of a blog to show my more serious Christ-like side while my tumblr was more for unimportant/random things I'd find across the internet... I realize now, that's just stupid and wrong. It's kinda two-faced, actually. How could I expose godliness to just one blog and let the other be absent of the Spirit? I think as I grew more and more in my faith, my fear of judgment by man towards my beliefs decreased tremendously. So I'm glad that I started to make that change with my other blog... and what's even better is that it was an unplanned process. I'm probably still going to keep both blogs for now, just because I have a lot of connections through tumblr, but I want to try and keep writing here more. Also another thing about tumblr, is that I've been meeting a lot of fellow Christians and seeing articles/posts that have helped me so much. It's really the only thing I look forward to reading on tumblr, I'm really starting to ignore all the other useless junk that isn't benefical or applicable to life situations... other than the occasional random videos/photos that are appropriate and entertaining :)

Anyway, so lately, like the past week or two, I saw myself slowly slipping into a dry season again. Unmotivated, slothful, lethargic, and overall crappy behavior - it started to affect my health to where my neck's been hurting a lot again (I tend to get neckaches when I get stressed out, in this case I was stressed because I know I know better yet I was being stupid and rebellious). Then last night I was convicted like no other. I had a nightmare that I don't think I can ever forget.

To make it short, I was basically surrounded by demons and false prophets in the form of loved ones slipping into darkness and yet I was still witnessing to them. I remember sitting in a car randomly screaming "GOD LOVES YOU!!!" out the window to a random gang at an apartment complex, to convincing my sister to not marry that random guy who was up to no good, to trying to help a good friend of mine break out of peer pressure, drug addiction, and familial abuse (all three situations were only in the dream, none are currently occurring in reality)... Yet I was helpless through everything and I felt trapped, yet I knew God was on my side. I woke up on the verge of crying, but instead of experiencing fear, I felt peaceful. What the heck Hope, after a crazy dream like that, how is that even possible?! Well, I tend to fall asleep to my "Zzz" playlist on my phone, but lately I've been falling asleep to my Phil Wickham playlist. I woke up to about the last minute or two of the song "Cannons", just meditating on the lyrics -

"You are holy great and mighty
The moon and the stars declare who You are
I'm so unworthy, but still You love me
Forever my heart will sing of how great You are

All glory, honor, power is Yours amen
All glory, honor, power is Yours amen
All glory, honor, power is Yours forever amen"

It was 5:30AM, and feeling compelled to talk to somebody, I tried to call Aaron. I always call him in the middle of the night whenever I have bad dreams, but he's always knocked out. But I still tried (hearing his voicemail tends to calm me down hahahah). Amazingly, he picked up. I started crying as I told him my nightmare but also how I woke up to "Cannons" and how strange I thought it was that worship music was playing throughout this whole nightmare, as if to say that God is with me even through the darkest times. From previous experiences, no matter how much I pray, sometimes when I fall back asleep from a nightmare, it only seems to continue. So I begged Aaron to keep me company. Now the creepy part is that there were a lot of strange things happening as if the devil was trying to keep us apart. Our phone call disconnected, Aaron's car wasn't starting, and I kinda accidentally kept him locked out of my house hahah. We talked for a bit until I drifted to sleep as he just chilled on my couch and stayed on his laptop until I woke up a few hours later. Ever since this morning, I've been so on fire for God. I'm thankful for all the neckaches, psychotic dreams, and all the trials in general. I'm learning to truly seek joy through them all. Because as it says in James 1:2-4;

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

Forever and ever, Amen.

on repeat forever

Hello, good morning!

This is me fresh out of bed on a summer morning. unbrushed hair, just ate breakfast, and this is my real, genuine smile (you know it's a real smile when your eyes are smiling, too. ^-^) So I guess you can say this is what I REALLY look like underneath it all. Hahahaha :)

Today is Wednesday. Aka Humpday! Aka one of my favorite days of the week, because Wednesday = Bible Study :)

I've been feeling super happy lately. Despite my psycho mood swings, I dunno, I feel like I just really do have so much more to be happy than upset about. And I guess I just really love where I'm at right now.

So anyway, I haven't updated for a while. I keep telling myself to write some sooper dooper epic post on here, and I always have tons of ideas and thoughts that I want to spill, but the minute I sit in front of the computer ready to create a new post, I never know how to fit the pieces together. Honestly I have nooo idea what I'm about to write right now... hahah.

I think I still need time. School just started for those at MSJC. Next week for those at Palomar. And next month for those going to Universities. My old VN class graduates in October. What am I doing!? Yes I'm on a break from school, and I'm currently unemployed. I'm trying to get my feet planted back into the ground. Yet I wonder, were my feet ever firmly planted in the ground to begin with? ... I don't think so. I don't want to start ranting on how I feel so "unstable" because in reality - who IS stable!?! We all pursue a perfect balance and stability in our lives, but we're imperfect human beings. In all honesty, I have NO idea what I'm doing with my life right now and uh, it sucks. I have long term goals but don't know how to reach them. I lack either the wisdom, knowledge, tools, strategy... etc. And I say that I just want God to lead me. I say that, and I mean it... and what I hate is that I tend to bend so easily. Meaning I can get easily motivated/inspired but I'm vulnerable to giving in quickly.

Whatever the circumstance may be, I tend to feel like I always break my own promises. But then I start to think... maybe God intended for it to be this way. Instead of relying on my own plans and goals, God comes out and proves me wrong and says look to ME instead. Thus "breaking" my own promises. But what promise is greater than our Heavenly Father's? None. :)

So maybe it's a good thing that I don't know where I'm going with my life right now. It gives me more faith in allowing God to do His will in my life and let His promise unfold for me. All I have to do is remain faithful and keep moving forward. I've spent the last month or so dwelling on the past, on the pain and suffering that I was put through in an abusive relationship. Things I swore I'd never get myself into, I made myself vulnerable to and stepped all over. All the sickening lust, idolatry, lies, deceit, addiction, abandonment, and just all the blood, sweat, and tears. I surrender it ALL to God. Not partial, not half, like how I've been fooling myself. ALL! Because I belong to HIM and nobody else. It's not easy, but if it was easy, then how would I ever learn or understand what God is trying to make me see? And so I ask of this, whoever you are reading this - PLEASE pray for me. That I can finally let go of the abuse and the addiction, and that I may seek God's plan - A new hope for the future rather than a nightmare from the past because at this point, I'm only doing it to myself.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"
- Jeremiah 29:11

"Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
- Philippians 3:13-14

And as God promises,

Everything is falling into place.

More than blessed.

God loves me for who I am.

Therefore I love myself.

I mean this in the most non-narcissistic way possible hahah

Instability to IN stability.

If I keep going at this rate, I'm bound to lose those who are most important to me.

There's nothing worse than living stagnantly and numbing out everyone and everything. It can't even be described as painful, it's lifeless. The only thing painful about it is knowing that it's true, even though you know that there's a bigger truth out there but there's just so much fog that you can't see the path clearly. The path to Him. Constantly praying for guidance, an escape from all these mortifying thoughts or for the scars to just miraculously fade, you forget to even breathe. You drown in the flames of your own hell. The only time you feel the ability to cry is only when you begin to panic. You begin hyperventilating. Then you start to black out, and find yourself crashing down to the floor. Then you start screaming. Then only God knows what happens next. After the climax of that breakdown, you find the strength to get on your knees, and you finally begin to cry. For what? For God. For His forgiveness. His Grace, His Mercy, His Unconditional Love.

It's ugly isn't it? I'm sick of this cycle. I don't want to be a prisoner of the world - a slave to sin. I don't want to give in to depression and confliction. I don't want a relationship based off of "feelings" but a life of fulfilled promises by God that are achieved through faith, patience, and persistence. I don't want these horrible thoughts of constantly feeling inbetween life and death. I feel so unstable, mentally, physically, emotionally, financially, and most of all - spiritually... I need a firm foundation. I need consistency. I need everlasting faith. More than anything, I need God. I want God. Jesus, please change my heart.

"Come be the fire inside of me,
Come be the flame upon my heart.
Come be the fire inside of me,
Until you and I are one."

(This is Jockii's hand, not mine. But that's my knee, haha.)

Life is a Gift.

I'm going to stop abusing it and start appreciating it. Unconditionally.

Triumphant Return/Escape from tumblr!

Hello Blogspot!

So I've decided to restart my relationship with you. I'm just so over tumblr it's ridiculous. There's never anything meaningful on there anymore and I feel that it's just not the blogging site I once started with when I joined about a year and a half ago... Now everything became so immature and impersonal. And so here I am :)

With this blog I hope to focus primarily on my relationship with God and find ways to express my devotion, my ranting, my struggles - truly my everything... Writing has always been a useful outlet for me and so this is where I hope to seek growth in becoming the woman of God that He has called me out to be.

So... It is currently Monday morning, 1:19AM to be exact. I just came home from Barnes & Noble with a couple of church friends even though I missed The Pointe today. I still had a good time fellowshipping with everyone, especially with Nick and Jockii in the car. After an emotionally stressful weekend, I really think it was exactly what I needed. I can really sense that some wonderful things are to be accomplished within our worship community, I just feel that there's going to be a turning point for the better. Our group is like a fruit salad; filled with so much variety, different shapes, sizes, backgrounds, and personalities yet we are all united for one purpose - we are a Body of Christ and that is really what holds us together as a union.

I don't know, words can't explain how much I love the Albao Worship Community. Even though I've only been in this community for two months (it feels so much longer!) and 75% of the group I've only been acquainted with, I'm just seriously so hungry for learning so much more about every person I encounter. It's probably not always going to be easy and there will be differences coming upon the group, but I know that's what will truly strengthen us as a whole. We are a family, and we help build each other up because we all strive for the same goal - to glorify the Kingdom of God... and I'm just so stoked. It's only been two months and it's already been so life changing. I can't wait to see what God has in store for all 4723852389056 of us, hahaha.

I think I'm nocturnal tonight. I'm going to work on making my page look all pretty and probably listen to some worship music so I can get ahead of my game in being a part of the worship team for our group, haha, me singing... OH NOOO!!! HAHA Oh yes! I love singing. I'm such a weird blogger... yeah I'm weird in general. I think I'm done for now, worship music here I come! Haha! Happy Monday to the rest of the hemisphere!

BTW, I like pictures. Most likely I'll have a picture of something random if not myself at the end of each post. Why? Because I can!