it's always been the most bittersweet part of church for me.
i sing. i always have. not too many people know that because i tend to hide it.
i hide it because i struggle with being rejected... inadequate and just simply not good enough.
aaron and i are on complete opposite spectrums when it comes to worship; everyone wants him and bugs him because he can strum a guitar and has a decent voice... there are times he has been used.
for me, i've always wanted to sing ever since i was still attending a catholic church, YEARS ago. like since i was 7, so count that as 15 years. but i never could... because i just always felt like i was going to be laughed at. whether it was because of stage fright and would start shaking and panicking and crying, or because i couldn't reach the high notes because i'm an alto, or i have a weak vibrato, or because my nostrils always flare really awkwardly and uncontrollably whenever i sing. or maybe because everyone already had worship as THEIR thing and didn't need me.
i just couldn't do it.
the reason why i bring aaron up is because we're both doing worship ministry now, but i feel that it is so clear that they need (hopefully not want) him much more than they need me.
so right now i'm in a situation where i'm really trying to break through my fear of singing in public. no more hesitation. no more fear of man. but just using the gifts and talents that God has granted me for His glory. so what if no one gives me acknowledgment - soli deo Gloria (glory to God alone) anyway.
i keep telling myself that. and right now, i'm struggling with the feeling of being unwanted SO much again. but i just keep praying: "God place me where You want me, let me worship You in a way that is pleasing to Your ears. let me cast all my anxieties unto You and just freely worship You for who You are."
God gave me the gift, therefore i must use it to exalt Him and Him alone - whether i have a mic in my hand or not.
