Honestly I'm ok

I have this peace from God that I'm so incredibly blown away by Yet what sucks is what makes me feel the saddest is seeing my dog Cloud. Aaron loved him like he was his own and they were so attached to each other. It hurts whenever I see Cloud now. Oh and.. I was wrong, I did get the job. Now Aaron and I are coworkers. Hopefully it won't be too awkward..

...

so my boyfriend breaks up with me and I don't know until a week later, one of my dogs die, and the one job I really needed gets handed over to my coworker. I'm doing my best to see it all as a blessing in disguise but it is just so incredibly hard right now. I'm Having stomach problems again and I know that it's from stress. I'm so anxious to the point where I can literally feel every heart beat and every time my hands tremble. That saying "don't put all your eggs in one basket" couldn't hold more truth than it does now. The job I wanted, the man I thought i was going to marry, and even taking my little pug for granted... All gone. "You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your name.." Those lyrics have never been so difficult to sing, without thinking "God You're selfish." I'm constantly wrestling with You only knowing I'm going to lose. It's the stupidest feeling. I can't even cry anymore.

so many changes

in such little time My worries are gonna be the death of me

Go away.

I've been having the same dreams come and go for the past 10 months. I keep telling myself they mean nothing, but the fact that it's so consistent is just what really throws me off. I just want it all to disappear.

My battle wounds.

These seven scars (some have faded) represent His healing.

I always hated shorts or showing my legs. This was why.

In Summer of 2010, I faced the biggest battle with my worst enemy. That enemy was myself.

There were other people involved, but my flesh was my biggest rival. These scars represent the war that I had to face that summer. The war that I had lost, because I had surrendered to Jesus. These scars came on July 25.

I don't need to go into full detail of the circumstances I went through, because I realize that everyone can have different circumstances, but it is the big picture that truly matters. We've all experienced hopelessness, guilt, shame, etc. This is my story.

At this point in my life, there were several factors occurring in my life that led up to everything that happened. I was in a very weak and vulnerable position in life and I never knew what to do or who to listen to. I knew right from wrong, but due to my stubbornness, I took some dangerous paths. I will admit, I put myself through the situations that I did, and because of that guilt, I took my anger out on myself by cutting, because I was so angry with myself to the point where I became masochistic. It was an internal battle. I was mentally, physically, and spiritually deteriorating. On September 1, 2010, after several months of fighting what you can say was my "civil war," I truly felt God speak to me. He told me that every breath I took was another opportunity to know HIM and to live out the gift that He has given me FOR HIM, and that gift was LIFE.

I'm only human, and as much as I may change throughout the seasons of life, memories always stay the same. And because that battle was so physically and emotionally brutal, because of all of the manipulation and the lies that were being fed into my head by the enemy, I think that there's a part of me that's always going to ache. But, I believe it's part of God's purification and sanctification process. These scars remind me every day of the battle I went through. We will never obtain that whole freedom until we reach heaven. I can only pray for His strength to be my strength whenever I face those internal battles. It's been almost 2 years and it still tends to cross my mind like it happened just yesterday.

But I won't let it define me. It can't defeat me because I've already conquered that trial and because my identity is not in what I have done in my past but what Christ has done for me. I'm still learning to take my eyes off myself and my faults and to fixate my eyes on my beautiful Savior on the Cross - knowing that it is finished. I'm now in the recovery stage, and will always be in it until He calls me home. God knows the pain and suffering I've been through and as much as I wish I could forget sometimes, He calls us to REJOICE, for the battle has already been won. I don't have to feel insecure anymore. And it is all thanks to Him and His healing that I have become the woman of God I am today.

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." - 2 Corinthians 12:9

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. Matthew 5:8

So I've had this tattoo for about eight months now... and surprisingly enough, I've actually never really gotten the chance to explain it to anybody. The most I get is obviously asking what it says, but never what it means. Unfortunately the best photo I have of it on me is my Native American costume photo seen above since I'm sitting with my shoulders leveled and a strapless dress, hahaha but it does justice.

So I'm going to do my best to explain what this tattoo means both Biblically and personally.

First off I chose the left side of my chest because I figured I wouldn't have much to worry about over time because it's in an area that doesn't really get wrinkles on my body. I also like this area because 90% of the time I can just let it peek out but not completely flaunt it. It's still a conservative area, and because only less than half of it shows 90% of the time, people around me tend to get curious and that's always a nice conversation starter. But most importantly I chose this location because the verse is about the heart and the location is right above my heart. It's both a personal reminder of how I try to live my life and a public declaration of my faith in Christ for those around me.

It is Jesus' own words from the Sermon on the Mount. Another verse that goes hand in hand with this one would be Psalm 24:3-5 which reads "Who may ascend the mountain of the LORD? Who may stand in his holy place? The one who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not trust in an idol or swear by a false god. They will receive blessing from the LORD and vindication from God their Savior."

So what does it mean to be "pure in heart?" Or to make it a little easier, let's start off with defining impurity with the world vs the definition of purity with God.

When you have an impure heart, you have impure motives. You have selfish qualities, possibly perversion, tainted thoughts/decisions, and simply a lifestyle that does not seek God. Even the Bible says that the human heart is wicked. ("The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" Jeremiah 17:9)

When you have a pure heart, you have selfless motives and rely on the sanctification of Christ to keep oneself pure. Note that I say rely on His sanctification and not on our own hands (like them impure folk). Yet, since we are sinful beings, it is only natural that our hearts are in a fallen, impure state. But that is exactly why Christ has freed and redeemed us. To aim for purity of heart is to seek God's heart, for the world is filled with impurity yet Jesus was completely innocent, blameless, and purified. It's not a set of rules and regulations of how to change society, but instead, pursuing God single-mindedly.

"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God" ....

... God blesses you when you faithfully seek for purity of heart, because you are seeking His heart. To see God is to know God and His ways of faithfulness, and to pursue abstinence from a tainted world.

worship

it's always been the most bittersweet part of church for me.

i sing. i always have. not too many people know that because i tend to hide it.
i hide it because i struggle with being rejected... inadequate and just simply not good enough.

aaron and i are on complete opposite spectrums when it comes to worship; everyone wants him and bugs him because he can strum a guitar and has a decent voice... there are times he has been used.

for me, i've always wanted to sing ever since i was still attending a catholic church, YEARS ago. like since i was 7, so count that as 15 years. but i never could... because i just always felt like i was going to be laughed at. whether it was because of stage fright and would start shaking and panicking and crying, or because i couldn't reach the high notes because i'm an alto, or i have a weak vibrato, or because my nostrils always flare really awkwardly and uncontrollably whenever i sing. or maybe because everyone already had worship as THEIR thing and didn't need me.

i just couldn't do it.

the reason why i bring aaron up is because we're both doing worship ministry now, but i feel that it is so clear that they need (hopefully not want) him much more than they need me.

so right now i'm in a situation where i'm really trying to break through my fear of singing in public. no more hesitation. no more fear of man. but just using the gifts and talents that God has granted me for His glory. so what if no one gives me acknowledgment - soli deo Gloria (glory to God alone) anyway.

i keep telling myself that. and right now, i'm struggling with the feeling of being unwanted SO much again. but i just keep praying: "God place me where You want me, let me worship You in a way that is pleasing to Your ears. let me cast all my anxieties unto You and just freely worship You for who You are."

God gave me the gift, therefore i must use it to exalt Him and Him alone - whether i have a mic in my hand or not.

trying not to take it personally

just came back from rock youth movement, aka the youth (grades 6-12) ministry from my church...

amazing worship, message, prayer, etc... but just the sense of brokenness and emptiness was so evident and heartbreaking.

i had to lead one of the discussion groups and there were these two girls, obviously not wanting to be there... flat expressions and all. isolation. texting while i'm speaking, etc. just so much darkness. didn't say a word, didn't care. it was almost kinda scary..

but i know that there's hope. i was once in their shoes. and so i pray that all that brokenness in that room tonight may just be replaced by God's grace. that whatever pain they are currently encountering, that the blood of Christ has atoned for it. He has and will redeem for those He has mercy upon.

so i'm really trying my hardest not to take tonight's experience so personally. i haven't lead any sort of discussion/done a leadership role in SO long, so it's just really crazy... i felt like i was talking to a wall, but i know that God's presence was there. it's impossible for Him not to be.

your love never fails

it never gives up, it never runs out on me...

hahahah i haven't written anything in so. long.

i have a lot of things on my mind, both good and bad.

but overall, i cannot fathom how much God has blessed me. it's seriously unbelievable. His love goes on and on while everything else in this world has an end. finite vs infinite. everlasting vs perishable.

i absolutely love my church. everything that my life was lacking and that God was calling me towards has seriously been fulfilled and confirmed at my church. i'm finally singing... or at least in the process of overcoming my irrational fear of singing in public/leading. sharing my testimony in hopes that it might reach out to somebody, somewhere struggling... kind of like a role model, but all the credit belongs to the Lord. learning more about Jesus/God/the Holy Spirit, who He is and who He isn't... becoming educated on what other world religions/cults teach and what makes Christianity so specific and relevant in contrast to the rest.

it gets nerve-wracking at times, no doubt. sometimes i fall into the "i can't" mindset and am too afraid to take responsibility or any action for anything.... but then i just try and remind myself - our God is a working God. He doesn't approve of laziness or self-loathing, all He wants is for us to surrender our lives to Him and obey Him like a child obeys their parents. and what just seriously blows my mind, is His unfailing love. as humans, we tend to get lazy and selfish and etc., but we have to remember that we serve a constantly working, and unbelievably selfless God. the creator of the universe! all things formed in the palm of His hand. sometimes it's soo hard for me to grasp onto the idea of that... then again i know that my brain does not work the way that God's does haah.

i'm a tiny piece of clay and He is the potter.
He could easily crush me or void me from ever existing,
yet He blessed me with an opportunity to live, breathe, love, and tell all the other pieces of clay how much our Potter cares for us and what promises He holds for us when we choose to follow Him. when we stop trying to look within ourselves and look up to see just how much more He has for us... His great, amazing, righteous, majestic unfailing love.

it seriously just amazes me