Hello, good morning!

This is me fresh out of bed on a summer morning. unbrushed hair, just ate breakfast, and this is my real, genuine smile (you know it's a real smile when your eyes are smiling, too. ^-^) So I guess you can say this is what I REALLY look like underneath it all. Hahahaha :)

Today is Wednesday. Aka Humpday! Aka one of my favorite days of the week, because Wednesday = Bible Study :)

I've been feeling super happy lately. Despite my psycho mood swings, I dunno, I feel like I just really do have so much more to be happy than upset about. And I guess I just really love where I'm at right now.

So anyway, I haven't updated for a while. I keep telling myself to write some sooper dooper epic post on here, and I always have tons of ideas and thoughts that I want to spill, but the minute I sit in front of the computer ready to create a new post, I never know how to fit the pieces together. Honestly I have nooo idea what I'm about to write right now... hahah.

I think I still need time. School just started for those at MSJC. Next week for those at Palomar. And next month for those going to Universities. My old VN class graduates in October. What am I doing!? Yes I'm on a break from school, and I'm currently unemployed. I'm trying to get my feet planted back into the ground. Yet I wonder, were my feet ever firmly planted in the ground to begin with? ... I don't think so. I don't want to start ranting on how I feel so "unstable" because in reality - who IS stable!?! We all pursue a perfect balance and stability in our lives, but we're imperfect human beings. In all honesty, I have NO idea what I'm doing with my life right now and uh, it sucks. I have long term goals but don't know how to reach them. I lack either the wisdom, knowledge, tools, strategy... etc. And I say that I just want God to lead me. I say that, and I mean it... and what I hate is that I tend to bend so easily. Meaning I can get easily motivated/inspired but I'm vulnerable to giving in quickly.

Whatever the circumstance may be, I tend to feel like I always break my own promises. But then I start to think... maybe God intended for it to be this way. Instead of relying on my own plans and goals, God comes out and proves me wrong and says look to ME instead. Thus "breaking" my own promises. But what promise is greater than our Heavenly Father's? None. :)

So maybe it's a good thing that I don't know where I'm going with my life right now. It gives me more faith in allowing God to do His will in my life and let His promise unfold for me. All I have to do is remain faithful and keep moving forward. I've spent the last month or so dwelling on the past, on the pain and suffering that I was put through in an abusive relationship. Things I swore I'd never get myself into, I made myself vulnerable to and stepped all over. All the sickening lust, idolatry, lies, deceit, addiction, abandonment, and just all the blood, sweat, and tears. I surrender it ALL to God. Not partial, not half, like how I've been fooling myself. ALL! Because I belong to HIM and nobody else. It's not easy, but if it was easy, then how would I ever learn or understand what God is trying to make me see? And so I ask of this, whoever you are reading this - PLEASE pray for me. That I can finally let go of the abuse and the addiction, and that I may seek God's plan - A new hope for the future rather than a nightmare from the past because at this point, I'm only doing it to myself.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"
- Jeremiah 29:11

"Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
- Philippians 3:13-14