There's nothing worse than living stagnantly and numbing out everyone and everything. It can't even be described as painful, it's lifeless. The only thing painful about it is knowing that it's true, even though you know that there's a bigger truth out there but there's just so much fog that you can't see the path clearly. The path to Him. Constantly praying for guidance, an escape from all these mortifying thoughts or for the scars to just miraculously fade, you forget to even breathe. You drown in the flames of your own hell. The only time you feel the ability to cry is only when you begin to panic. You begin hyperventilating. Then you start to black out, and find yourself crashing down to the floor. Then you start screaming. Then only God knows what happens next. After the climax of that breakdown, you find the strength to get on your knees, and you finally begin to cry. For what? For God. For His forgiveness. His Grace, His Mercy, His Unconditional Love.
It's ugly isn't it? I'm sick of this cycle. I don't want to be a prisoner of the world - a slave to sin. I don't want to give in to depression and confliction. I don't want a relationship based off of "feelings" but a life of fulfilled promises by God that are achieved through faith, patience, and persistence. I don't want these horrible thoughts of constantly feeling inbetween life and death. I feel so unstable, mentally, physically, emotionally, financially, and most of all - spiritually... I need a firm foundation. I need consistency. I need everlasting faith. More than anything, I need God. I want God. Jesus, please change my heart.
"Come be the fire inside of me,
Come be the flame upon my heart.
Come be the fire inside of me,
Until you and I are one."
(This is Jockii's hand, not mine. But that's my knee, haha.)
I love you sis!
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